did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
