Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
