TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
