i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
