i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
