Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
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He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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