I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
