I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
