Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
