In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
