I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
