I think I am morally bankrupt
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
