If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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