it was like his penis was on wheels.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
