I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
