I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
