if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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