Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
