How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
