Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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