my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
