break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
