Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
