fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
