She went from zero to smokin in five shots
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
