when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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