Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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