remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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