i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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