I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
When are your genitals available?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today