last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
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No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
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What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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