hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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