Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Let's paint friendship bongs
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.