Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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