There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
