tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
