I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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