Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
