I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
