Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
