I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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