I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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