Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
