I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
