I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
