Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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