i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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