My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
