You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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