I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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