It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
