im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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