I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
