She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
