and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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