Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
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i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
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you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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