Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.