someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
