I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
